Name:Stephanie Location: Cleveland, Ohio, United States Gender:Female
Interests:Being with my friends. Being the problem child. lol. Driving around with no where to go. Sleeping. Hanging out with the guys. Watching The Lion King. Parties.
& We will sing, dance and
drink the night away
for our teenage years don' t
L a s t F o r e v e r ...
You could see it in her eyes
she loved him, and it was
KILLING HER x|3 so desperate for a change in this school
of dieing hopes & dreams. Expertise:Sleeping.
Occupation:Unemployed/Between Jobs Industry:Other
I have been awake for 36 hours so far. I cant sleep, my mind and my body just will not let me. I lay in my bed, just like i do every night the same way I always fall asleep. [With the fan on, the pillow just right, my comfortable only on one of my legs and my rotating ionic air fan oscillating on high.] Start thinking things or imagining things in my head to help my mind drift away, whether its something ridiculous or just something that could actually happen. Its always the best way for my to get myself to really fall into a dream. But NO, not even in the least bit. I tried SO hard to get sometime of sleep before work yesterday and it was an epic fail. I dont feel right, I feel different and I dont like it. I am usually a positive person. Optimistic, dreamy even naive. But I feel so weary lately. I keep having these bad feelings, or these ridiculous fears and concerns with ultimately everything. Whether its work, boyfriend, friends, family, weather, my car, my all-around wellness, things I need to do, events coming up and the fact that its August already doesnt help much either. I hate putting things off, I hate not planning things and I hate not knowing. But I've become accustomed to it. I plan each day at a time now. I spend time with my friends, family and work. I'm pretty much always busy, but I've stopped struggling with what I should do when I'm not. I actually enjoy having some time to myself, because in the past months I never really did.
Amongst all of the anxiety and uneasiness I have been feeling, I've noticed a lot about me that has gradually changed from the past. How I go about handling conflicts, relationships, friendships, all situations really. How much I have grown and learned from past mistakes. How many things I have altogether quit doing. I'm going to be 22 in 3 months.. There was a point in time when I never thought I'd live to see 21. Crazy. It's weird how things all fall apart and some things come together. But the one thing I have really noticed are the people that have stayed in my life all this long while. And I appreciate that. I feel so lucky to have the family and friends that I do, just because they are such a huge part of me. I've learned what its like to REALLY have someone you can count on. Someone that will always be there, even when its extremely inconveniencing them. I've also become that person you can always count on, even if I wouldve liked to be doing something else. It sucks because to a point, I have almost become a pushover. But I dont think it matters because I'm aloud to be when it comes to the people I care about. I help people out a lot more then I used to.
I have beenr eading a lot lately, which is generally one of those things that I quit for quite sometime. I stopped having any interest in wasting hours behind printed words and a paperback. I didnt feel enlightened anymore, I didnt feel like I was being introduced to new concepts. I was being let down by the published works I used to be inspired by. Well, that has changed. I'm educating myself and reading once more. Perhaps a bit too much, but it feels good as the pages that were so many on the rightside flipaway to so few and my mind wraps itself around the hidden motifs themes and irony- the ideas and perceptions of so many. I feel like I have been reunited with a small part of myself again. And it feels good.
Apart from all of the above, there is a huge part of me that is feeling a bit different in a more vulnerable and debilitating way. And its a sick uneasy feeling almost constantly in the back of my mind. I dont remember ever bringing a new friend into my life and feeling so in the line of fire before. I feel like I have to second guess every move and thought I have, every word I say and everything I do. I am getting so caught up in my own competence in the sitation that I cant tell what the hell is going on. I almost feel like I am in a different dimension, of all its own. And it is all because the security that I am so used to in every aspect in my life is so lacking that I am forcing myself to be more tactful and pick up new handlings of myself. For instance, I am learning patience.... Go figure, right? I'm learning that maybe always expecting results isnt the way to handle everything in life. Maybe sometimes you need to just let go of the need to control the situation and see where it goes all by itself. I'm learning to fail, almost. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, but as of right now.. I'm trusting this new friend with everything I've got only because I dont see a reason not to trust what they say. I dont like not trusting people, so fuck it.. im going to just trust. And I will be damned if I havent supported that cause to every critic that has expressed a different view on the situation, friend or not. I have slowed down and became more honest with this person in reaction to this trust that I have built on my own reasons. I have been 110% myself everytime I am with them. But after every word, everything.. I think in my head, whats really going on. Yeah I trust them. But I'm distanced enough to if this whole thing goes awry, I will be able to pick myself back up and move on. The funny thing is, so has the friend. So that in itself shows that neither of us are in any rush. But sometimes I wish my questions were answered.
Weird blog right? I guess I thought it would help me fall asleep.
1. tell all your problems to fuck off. 2. laugh at all your misfortunes 3. scream/cry/hit things if needed. 4. go outside 5. spin around in circles until you puke 6. listen to the elizabethtown soundtrack all day (believe me it works) 7. eat fruit 8. take up hula-hooping. 9. look in the mirror and say "fuck you, im awesome." 10. take pictures 11. remember i did all of these things, so your not alone. 12. lay down outside- close your eyes and breathe. 13. drink coffee (...of course) 14. and at the end of the day i want you to promise me you will say these 4 words, outloud: "holy shit i'm alive." now scream it "HOLY SHIT I'M ALIVE!!!!"
So it has definately been quite some time since i have put any time into writing on this thing. But desperate is as desperate does. I just really need to unload my mind on a lot of stuff and i guess that is what i am going to be doing right now. It is 3:47am. I want to be sleeping, because i want to workout with nikki at 6am, because i never seem to have time to workout and it used to be one of my favorite things to do. i'm sick of the rain, but i feel like i am contradicting myself because i love it too, do i really need to choose? i have a boyfriend, who doesnt have a phone, and that drives me crazy-because i hate hasseling his friends to have him call me, shouldnt he call me on his own? i mean, he definately should at least want to. i work a job way too much for way too little pay, but i am way too comfortable to put more effort into finding a second job or going to school, but the way it looks- i am DEFINATELY going to have to be back in school this fall, probably a more vocational school for my STNA, which sounds like loads of fun and not at all what i was planning on doing. I hate doing things i dont plan on doing, it makes me crazy. why would i do something other than what i have planned? isnt that the entire point of planning something? maybe i plan too much? i have been off of my adderall for almost 5 months now, and it sucks. i dont feel like myself, i feel more sad. for absolutely no reason; more vulnerable.
its like i will start crying over the dumbest thing, and the worst part is once i start crying there is nothing in my power to stop the damn crying and i hate that! i truly hate it more than anything in the world, because in my head all i am thinking is "god damn it stephanie, stop crying." and that helps, about pretty much, nothing. i feel like an idiot when i cry.
i feel like im finally at that age when you realise, some friends suck, most things in general about life sucks, and you pretty much have to SUCK all of that up and look for the good things about life to make you feel better about all of the sucky things encompassing your life. i hate realising my parents are going to die, sooner rather than later. i hate realising that i am in a rut, i hate not being able to save money. i hate not having the dreams i used to have. i hate not trusting people, i hate all of these---what are they called.. not schedules.: routines: i HATE routines, and i am in the worst routines ever right now, so predictable. god i need a second job to get out of this rut.
my boyfriend; he is pretty great. surprisingly not a lot of my friends have met him yet, but i am like that. not showing something off too soon. he means a lot to me, he is like my best friend, he knows exactly which things to say to piss me off, and what buttons to push. but he also knows what to do to stop me from being pissed off and how to make me smile. we've almost been together for 2 months now, and it seems like we have been with eachother a great majority of that time, which isnt necessarily a bad thing. i am just slowly trying to see my friends more, because he lives with his friends and i am always over there, with his friends, while mine are all here, not being seen by either of us. his family is great, from what i can tell and what i have seen. theres just something about this guy that i have never felt from another person in my life, and i love everything about it. its like when i look into his eyes i can feel his emotions. anyways, enough gushing.
my home life is pretty much nonexistant, but i am definately working on being home more, between work and boyfriend there doesnt seem to be a lot of time left over, but i tend to avoid home most of the time anyways. but thats not so good because my kitty and my puppy are here. Lady and Key are pretty much the best things i have in my life, both of them are so amazing. And they both love me so unconditionally, i cannot help but be the same to them.
its 4:00 now, i dont think i am going to workout with nikki, i swear i am such a bum now. i barely even straighten my hair, which is crazy because i used to straighten it, all of the freaking time, never leaving my house unless it was straight. well i feel better now that i wrote a little something. guess im done. =)
